The Time I Met The New Kids

-Our pals who run the civilized spice blog sent this in to us.  They have a new site, Tales From A Bar Stool that you should check out.

November 22nd, 2008

Dear Diary,

A dream came true last night.  I’m still trembling.  You will never in a million years believe this:  I had drinks with the New Kids.  For reals.  I know… it’s incredible.  You don’t believe me, but I’m not on drugs… promise.  First, let me say that the concert was unbelievable.  Jordan Knight has been pumping some serious iron and must be on Usher’s abs plan, because when the wind machines turned on him and blew that white shirt apart… Jeez… I think I came in my pants.  Seriously…  I could feel it running down my leg.  Ok, must focus.  Thinking of that moment is doing strange things to my body.

K and I tried everything to get backstage.  I suppose we could have perhaps made it if we had fallen to our knees, but while I’ll spread my legs for a member of a boy band, I won’t do the same for a lowly security guard.  I have standards.

At the end of the concert, we moved on to Plan B… the Pan Pacific.  Madonna stayed there when she came to town, why wouldn’t the New Kids?  K and I were going to hang around outside (have I mentioned that I’m 28, not 14?) and wait for the New Kid mobile, but she had to use the loo.  On our way back downstairs, it happened.  We went down the first elevator and spied Danny, Jon, Jordan and Joey coming up the second.  We met on the landing.  OMG.  I almost lost my shit.  Danny couldn’t stand up without the arms of two roadies around him -  Monkey boy was drunk.  He wanted to party and turned towards us, but was pulled away by his manager.  That’s ok.  He was at the bottom of my list anyway.  Joey was next up.  He gave me the full up and down.  I kid you not.  I melted.  Then they were gone, up the next elevator.  K and I were motionless and left standing there with our mouths on the floor.

Think we were finished there?  No way.  We had had a taste and were still hungry.  This called for a drink in the lobby bar, where we could hope the boys would end up.  We grabbed the only empty table; we had a whole couch and two chairs free at our table.  Time was ticking and we were going to give up (hotel cocktails are expensive when you’re paying for them yourself)… then we saw them.  Jordan and Joey were on their way over.  K and I kept nudging each other and definitely lost points in the keeping it cool category.  After a quick glance around, Jordan and Joey eyed our table and asked if they could join us.  Uhhh… was I dreaming?  You don’t say no to a New Kid.  We couldn’t speak, so we just nodded.  They instantly started chatting with us.  We actually had a conversation with them!  K was better at the talking part, I could only let out one syllable answers.  Joey asked if we owned their latest album.  I was embarrassed to say no.  We weren’t the superfans they were hoping for.  I didn’t even have my NKOTB pjs from 1992 anymore.  (Uhhh… Side note… Jordan was drinking chamomile tea and humming – I like to think he was humming to me).

Jon Knight came down next, with his friend, Jim.  Jordan asked how we enjoyed the show… that’s when things got awesome.  K didn’t hold back and told them exactly what was on her mind.  She told them they should incorporate some chinese jumprope into their act, like Madonna – nice.  K told the boys that overall, we had really enjoyed the show and that they had “aged like a fine wine”.  They were eating it up.  But obviously we weren’t enough for Joey, he went to join a couple of blonds with nips coming out the tops of their dresses.  They looked like sluts.  Little did Joey know that those kinds of girls are boring in bed.  It’s the sluts in sheep’s clothing that you have to be worried about (or get excited about).  But I digress…
Jordan took off.  The tea was obviously making him sleepy.  Just Jon and Jim were left.  Donnie was out with the dancers somewhere, Danny was passed out upstairs.  We talked to Jon about real estate – he was starting to open up and it looked like he was going to reveal that he had a personality.  He was the one with the anxiety problem and he looked openly nervous when a couple of girls in NKOTB t-shirts came over to ask where Donnie was.  HA!  I would take Jon over Donnie any day.  Did you see his arms?!  Hot.  Jon quickly got boring and couldn’t take his eyes off his crackberry, so we talked to his friend, Jim.  We talked about anal and other dirty pleasures – far more interesting to chat with than one of the Kids.  He asked us which New Kid we wanted to fuck.  We laughed off his question.  In hindsight, I wish I had told him.  Was this his way of setting up his buddies with girls?  Why oh why didn’t I just tell him I was easy??

It was getting late and last call had long past (PS… you’d think the Kids would offer to get us a drink considering they crashed our table… but no, they merely helped themselves to our bowl of nuts after they had finished with theirs – manners please), and we wanted a picture.  We needed proof, no one was going to believe this.  We got Jon first.  He grabbed my arm as he climbed over the couch – Yes, he touched me.  Next was Joey.  He was wasted and had some problems with his balance.  K told him to watch his step and asked if he needed a hand.  He didn’t like that.  Then she asked if she could wear his hat and scarf in the picture and tried to take them off him.  That was the last straw.  He refused to take a picture with her because “no one is allowed to touch” him.  Not even her rendition of “Please Don’t Go Boy” brought him back.  It was my plea for a picture that made him turn around and state in his Boston accent “ok… but only wich you.  And dat’s because I’m a nice guy”.  Newsflash: Joey McIntyre is a diva.

Best. Night. Ever.

New Kids On The Block – Please Dont Go Girl

New Kids On The Block – The Right Stuff (?? remix)

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